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The Earth-Noise Intervene
Let's just stay in here and ignore what sounds like too much plot outside
Oh god, this amuses the hell out of me, you don't even know 
8th-Jun-2009 07:30 am
marvel - purple barton
Title: The Hanging Gardens
Summary: Honestly, it's about a fern.
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Word Count: 1157
Rating/Warnings: Hard R, bondage, mild D/s, post-finale
Pairing: Woolsey/Sheppard, with Rodney/Keller (IKR?!), Ronon/Amelia, and implied Teyla/Lorne
A/N: For the suspension square on my [info] - dreamwidth.orgkink_bingo card. I'm fairly certain nobody will find this as uproariously funny as I find it, but I am prepared to accept that.

Once the other furniture has been moved, there's more than enough space to set up a table for eight in the living area of Woolsey's quarters, the perfect size for a nice, semi-intimate dinner.

Woolsey sits at one end of the table, John at the other. In between them, it's date night- Rodney and Jennifer, Ronon and Amelia, Teyla and- playing the part of Kanaan, as he's so often been doing since they got to Earth- Lorne. John doesn't actually know exactly to what extent Lorne's filling in for him, nor does he think it's any of his business; but Lorne picked up dinner, so he'd get a free pass either way.

For Teyla and Ronon, this is an opportunity to experience Earth cuisine without having to deal with the Earth traffic and the Earth-related red tape. For everyone else, it's time to get reacquainted with the best cuisine America has to offer: Chinese take-out.

"New plant?" Ronon asks, cocking his head towards the corner of the sitting room; John turns to look, and very nearly has a heart attack.

"I know that pattern," Teyla says, studying the hanging basket with a critical eye. "Selan made it?"

"Doctor Redfield- the ethnographer- made it, actually," Woolsey tells her, accepting a glass of wine from Amelia. "Selan's been teaching her."

"Her work is very good," she says approvingly. "I would not have known it was not Athosian."

He preens a little. "Well, you'll certainly have to tell her, then. I'm sure she'd be very excited to hear that."

The basket is absolutely overflowing with green fronds, sprouting every which way from between its four long handles, all of which are attached to a hook; the hook hangs from a good-sized metal ring, which is itself suspended from the ceiling by a chain. The chain disappears up past the oddly-shaped Ancient acoustic tiles, up to where, John knows, it's bolted directly onto one of the ceiling joists. Overkill for a potted plant; Ronon could probably swing from the thing and not bring it down.

Okay, maybe not Ronon; John doesn't trust the bolts that much. But a full-grown man, certainly.

And John cannot believe Woolsey has a fucking houseplant on it.

"Is that one of the ones that came from M6F-456?" Lorne asks, as he ladles out the egg drop soup.

"Botany just cleared them," Woolsey informs him. "Doctor Parrish was nice enough to let me have one. I've been needing something to hang in that corner." He looks at John after he says it, giving him a pleasant smile; John realizes that he's just sitting there with his crab rangoon halfway to his mouth, just gaping openly.

"I've never walked so far to see a bunch of ferns in my entire life, and I've backpacked through Redwoods twice," Lorne reminisces, completely missing John and Woolsey's silent exchange. "Definitely worth it, though."

"Good eating on those things, once they get big," Ronon says approvingly.

John focuses wholeheartedly on his dinner. It's that or think about the fact that last night, he was hanging exactly where that freaking basket is now, his hands locked into padded black cuffs, his feet only just brushing the floor, just swaying there helplessly while Woolsey worked him over long and hard and so, so well. His arms are still sore- hell, everything is pretty sore, honestly- but it had been so worth it. All he'd been able to do was stay put and take it, let Woolsey have whatever he wanted; and when he'd finally opened John up and slid inside, the slick fabric of his suit still whispering over John's thighs, God, it was like-

"Oh!" Rodney says very suddenly; and John absolutely does not choke on his wine, which totally does not have anything to do with the fact that he definitely didn't bang his dick on the underside of the table when he completely did not jump. "Sorry," he adds, not sounding particularly apologetic, as Lorne claps John solidly on the back a couple of times. "I just realized I've eaten those before. Not the ones from M6F-456, obviously, but the ones they make up in New Brunswick." He snaps his fingers. "What are they called? The little curly ones."

"Fiddleheads," Jennifer supplies.

"That's it," he says, smiling at her like she's a puppy who's just performed a particularly clever trick. "Not bad, really. Sort of crunchy." He stops, looking at John. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Fine," John chokes out, still coughing. "Just swallowed wrong."

Woolsey gives him a faintly evil smile.

Thankfully, nobody says a word about ferns, baskets, or interior decorating for the rest of the meal; by the time Jennifer starts making noises about catching the second half of movie night, John has mostly- mostly- calmed down.

"I think it's Slumdog Millionaire," Amelia says, offering Ronon half of the last cinnamon doughnut.

"What is it about?" Teyla asks.

"It's about this guy in India- which is, um, on the other side of the planet from here," Rodney explains, "and he goes on this show, Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, which started in England, but-" He stops. "You know, honestly? I think it might be faster just to watch it. You'd like it, though."

"We should probably head out, if we're going," Lorne says, starting to clear the empty containers from the table.

John lay a hand on his arm. "You guys go on. I'm sure we can handle this."

"Are you sure?"

"Come on, what's there to do?" he said amiably. "Besides, I've already seen it."

"So have I," Woolsey says, which is a total lie, but John has absolutely no interest in pointing that out. "I'm sure we'll manage just fine on our own."

As they say their goodbyes, John hopes it's not entirely obvious that he's rushing them; he loves his team, and all, but he's just got other things on his mind. It seems to take forever, but finally, after one more forehead bump with Teyla, they're alone.

John strides forward, taking Woolsey's face in both hands and kissing him intently. "Okay, that?" he says when he finally pulls away, pointing at the fern. "That was not funny."

Woolsey's grin is so satisfied, it's almost a smirk. "You've got to admit, the basket does look good there. Not as good as you, obviously, but I'm told I have to let you down some time."

"You are an evil, twisted man," John says, torn between indignation and arousal. "I'm afraid I like it."

"What is it they say?" he asks rhetorically. "'Look out for the quiet ones'?" He pulls back for a moment, looking at the mess on the table. "We should deal with-"

"Leave it," John growls.

"If you insist," Woolsey sighs, letting John pull him into the bedroom; once there, he turns the tables, shoving John up against the wall and pinning his wrists at his sides.

Oh yeah. John really likes it.
8th-Jun-2009 01:33 pm (UTC)
Ahahahhahahahahhahhahahah OMG! *wipes tears from eyes*
This was completely and utterly horrifyingly amusing. I laughed so hard I think I busted something. And Then made my friend read it because I just couldn't Not share this.

To think I almost didn't click the link after I saw the pairings.

Thank you for giving me the hardest laugh I've had all week. *snicker*
18th-Jun-2009 07:10 pm (UTC)
Hah! I'm glad you liked it!
8th-Jun-2009 01:48 pm (UTC)
I love that they're all staring at it, and discussing the plant in great detail during dinner, while John gapes and chokes. LOL.
18th-Jun-2009 07:11 pm (UTC)
Heh, thanks!
8th-Jun-2009 02:35 pm (UTC)
I don't know if I found it as funny as you did, but I did enjoy it. ;) It was funny, and I love it when you write John/Dick (*snerk* goes the eternal 12-year-old); plus, this time you brought some bonus Teyla/Evan too!
8th-Jun-2009 03:36 pm (UTC)
Oh dude, that is so wrong! But hilarious and oddly hot. There should definitely be more of this pairing!
8th-Jun-2009 04:55 pm (UTC)
18th-Jun-2009 07:11 pm (UTC)
8th-Jun-2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha win! It made me grin madly.
18th-Jun-2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
8th-Jun-2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, your Woolsey/Sheppard is DELIGHTFUL. And this was, indeed, hilarious!
8th-Jun-2009 08:42 pm (UTC)
I was amused!
8th-Jun-2009 10:39 pm (UTC)
*laughs and laughs* You (and Woolsey) are completely evil. :D
18th-Jun-2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
::grin:: It's really just more fun that way, honestly.
8th-Jun-2009 11:41 pm (UTC)
Eh heh heh, John takes "hanging out with Woolsey" to a new level.

And part of the reason I laughed was the question of where the hell Kanaan and the baby ended up.
9th-Jun-2009 06:36 am (UTC)
Ok, I have to say that I'm a HUGE fan of Woolsey. Something about John/Woolsey is really appealing to me for some reason (although John/Rodney will probably always be my OTP). The world needs more Woolsey fic!

Hmm no matter how much I think about it I can never refer to him as Richard though.

Oh, and would you mind telling how you made that link to the DW kink-bingo? I'm still kind of hopeless with it's new tags and things.
9th-Jun-2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
That, my dear, was awesome>
9th-Jun-2009 08:39 pm (UTC)
This is the best thing ever!
18th-Jun-2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
9th-Jun-2009 09:26 pm (UTC)
Oh John, I really like it too! And I can just picture Woolsey having this kind of sense of humour...
9th-Jun-2009 10:56 pm (UTC) - AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!
9th-Jun-2009 11:27 pm (UTC)
That is funny.... Woolsey/Sheppard is such a.... weird pairing.... there's something... decadent about it.... and ferns.... LOL

Gawd, I love kink bingo!
10th-Jun-2009 05:43 am (UTC)
Oh, nice. Made me smile.
17th-Jun-2009 06:30 am (UTC)
Yes, of course Woolsey would hang a potted plant from the same hook he chains John to. I love him so.
5th-Aug-2009 02:37 am (UTC)
Hilarious! I can only imagine what would happen if they ever found it *snicker* Poor John, but I'm sure Woolsey made up for it, in the end ^.^
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