The Earth-Noise Intervene
Let's just stay in here and ignore what sounds like too much plot outside
Poor John. 
26th-Jun-2009 03:38 am
marvel - purple barton
Title: Paraphiliac
Summary: There are a lot of things that John wishes he could unlearn.
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Word Count: 792
Rating/Warnings: R, urtication (use of stinging nettles), masochism (I would call it S&M, but there just really isn't any S), restraints, sadface
Pairing: Rodney/John
A/N: For the painplay (other) square on my [info - community]kink_bingo card. I steal a warning from crysothemis: "You may want to skip this one if you're squicked by BDSM. You may want to skip this one if you're really into BDSM." I'm not even sure what this is; it's like porn, but it's not hot at all. I had notes, but they got, like, really TMI, really fast; so suffice it to say I don't actually know what nettles feel like, and I apologize in advance if I screwed it up.

There are a lot of things that John wishes he could unlearn. There are so many images he'd rather unsee; there is so much in his brain that he wishes he could just wash out.

It hasn't escaped his notice that most of it concerns himself.

As Rodney prepares, the silence in the room is oppressive. John tests the ropes around his hands, pulling at them to make sure they're secure. He actually sort of hates being bound; it's just that he's not a hundred percent sure he won't run if he isn't.

If he wants to get honest about the whole thing- which, let's face it, he really doesn't- he hates all of this. Not the pain- really, he loves the pain, which is the crux of the matter- but he hates knowing how much he needs it. He wishes fervently that he could go back to thinking that he just didn't like sex very much, that it was okay if he couldn't get off half the time.

He despises himself for getting Rodney caught up in it too, and Rodney for not letting it go. John is good at being disappointed, good at sucking it up and moving on; but Rodney just doesn't know when he should quit, clinging desperately to John like he's going to slip away if John's even the least bit dissatisfied.

It makes him feel like he's such a fucking hassle, and he hates that more than anything.

The heavy leather gloves make soft sussurations against Rodney's wrists as he pulls them on, tugging his sleeves down so that none of his skin is exposed. John knows that this is all very safe- it has to be for Rodney to consider doing it. Rodney's researched the plant obsessively, there's an epi-pen and a scarily large tub of anti-histamine ointment in the nightstand, he makes John do a patch test each and every time, he grows it himself with absolutely no pesticides- but seeing how careful Rodney is to cover himself just really doesn't inspire confidence.

And John is getting hard already.

It goes without saying that he's terrified about what all this says about him, but he's increasingly aware that this falls in the "insults to injuries" folder. As if it weren't enough he's gay and sleeping with a member of his team. As if it weren't enough that he's disobeyed orders on any number of occasions. As if it weren't enough that he shot his commanding officer. As if it weren't enough that all his allegiances belong to a galaxy that isn't even his. As if any of that weren't enough to ruin his entire life, he's a masochist on top of it.

Unfortunately, those thoughts really just make him need release more, not less.

"Deep breaths," Rodney says, and John really doesn't know who he's reminding.

Rodney doesn't whip him, not really; John isn't really sure that he could, even if- maybe especially if- John begged and pleaded. He just lets the heavy stalks fall against John's back, thudding gently against his skin over and over. For a long time, it feels soothing, weirdly like being petted; Rodney's deliberate about where he strikes, feathering down John's ass, the backs of his thighs, the thin skin of his balls. John almost- almost- forgets that it's not supposed to feel good.

The pain comes on in waves, crawling up his spine and flaring out over his skin, burning like he's been whipped long and hard. It hurts- it hurts like fucking Hell- just the way he needs it to. It gets down into pieces of him that are never quite in the right place, snapping them into position and straightening him out. And John is pretty sure he's supposed to be screaming, but he's too busy moaning and writhing instead.

In a few hours, the pain is going to just ebb out again, and John won't have anything to show for it but a couple of blisters. And for days after that, John is going to hate himself for doing this, for making Rodney do this, for not being strong enough to let it go.

But he can't stop.

Because if he's lucky, he'll get to that place where nothing matters, where he can't feel anything at all except pain and pleasure, indistinguishable from one another when he's in it. And for a while, he'll be happy and pliant and so, so calm, blessedly free of the billions of concerns and distractions that pick at him every waking second. And Rodney will stroke his hair and tell him everything's fine, there's nothing to worry about, just let it come.

And some times, these moments are the only ones that make up for the rest of them.
26th-Jun-2009 10:25 am (UTC)
i think that did have the potential to be hot. not because it was about physical pain, but because john just made me ache and rodney was trying so hard to satisfy john, and oh, poor john. it would have been really beautiful to keep going and know how rodney can make john forget about how much he hates being like that and just realize how much he is loved. the emotional pain made this worth reading. thank you.
26th-Jun-2009 11:16 am (UTC)
Oh, John. That made my heartache for him. *pets him* Damn good writing!
26th-Jun-2009 11:23 am (UTC)
Thank you! Poor John- I do knock him around a bit. ::pets::
26th-Jun-2009 01:24 pm (UTC)
This is very sad and heartbreaking, but it's beautiful too, because Rodney cares so much about John, and tries to give him what he needs, and because John trusts him enough to do it, even while he despises that he wants it.
26th-Jun-2009 02:39 pm (UTC)
Hmmm ... I think you approached this well. It's interesting because it's a glimpse into the thoughts and mental processes of someone with strong masochistic tendencies, yet it completely veers from the squick. John doesn't strike me as overly masochistic, but if he were, I could see it manifesting like you depicted. I also really like the conflict within John: loves the pain, hates how he needs it, struggling towards physical and emotional release.

Good job!
26th-Jun-2009 04:35 pm (UTC)
Awww, John <3 I just want to huggle him. Which is totally not what he'd want.

The nettles are great, too. It's kinda like, "Oooh, plant! OMFG A MILLION STINGY INSECTS JUST STUNG MY HAND WTF"
26th-Jun-2009 10:52 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed this.
27th-Jun-2009 03:03 am (UTC)
I think this works really well, actually. I can absolutely believe that John would have trouble coming to grips with such a socially taboo need. (I enjoy fics in which characters own their masochism, but not everyone manages that degree of self-assurance immediately.) And I entirely love this observation: Rodney just doesn't know when he should quit, clinging desperately to John like he's going to slip away if John's even the least bit dissatisfied. It makes him feel like he's such a fucking hassle, and he hates that more than anything.
27th-Jun-2009 05:21 am (UTC)
Oh, I really like this. Especially because John's so conflicted over it - I can see emotional masochism being just as much a part of it for him as the physical pain.
28th-Jun-2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
I recently stumbled across some pics of urtication and ugh! Not my thing at all. But I haven't seen a story using nettles before so I gave it a shot. You handled it very nicely. I can see Rodney going this route because he can't actually bring himself to hit John. I also love how conflicted John is and how much Rodney wants to take care of him. Interesting use of the prompt, too.
28th-Jun-2009 08:55 pm (UTC)
This a fantastic glimpse into John's headspace - just wonderful.
30th-Jun-2009 02:43 am (UTC)
Painful and powerful to read, and there is a lot of caring underlying it all. Great job.
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