This is- bear with me- a Firefly/Cowboy Bebop crossover that I wrote in 2006. I thought that I had only written one scene of it, but turns out I wrote chunks of several, to the tune of 1500 words. Pretty much all the story is here, so please enjoy. I'm pretty sure I ripped off part of it from the Cowboy Bebop manga (Ed becoming a computer program), but I still think it's a cool idea.
“Gorrammit, girl, hurry up,” Jayne hissed through blue lips. “I’m freezing my [balls] off in here.”
“You hush,” Kaylee said, finishing the sequence on the number pad. There was a tone and a hiss as the number ten tube slid out of its slot. Jayne manhandled it out of its housing and passed it up to Zoe and Mal.
Kaylee tapped in another sequence, and a new tube replaced number ten.
On the number eleven tube, a light flashed twice, then turned red.
Back on the ship, Zoe and Jayne wrestled the tube into the cache on the right side of the cargo bay.
“You sure this is supposed to weigh this gorram much?” Jayne asked, rhetorically.
“Wash, take us out of the world,” Male said into the intercom.
Another ten minutes, and they were seated comfortably around the dining table. River flitted in and out of the room, humming something low and soft.
“That actually went well,” Mal said, cutting off a piece of an apple and popping it into his mouth. “I reckon it may be a first.”
“You got the wrong one,” River said, swinging in on the doorframe.
“Not a chance, little one,” Mal replied, still smiling. “Cryo tube eleven, Holmstead, now we’re on our merry way to Paquin. Easy peasy.”
Kaylee gulped. “Number eleven?”
Mal looked at her, then dropped the apple and threw his hands up.
“Looks like our lucky day,” Mal said, returning to the bridge. “Buyer had a heart attack this morning. Couldn’t have taken the shipment anyway.” Kaylee let out a sigh of relief. Mal wagged a finger at her. “Don’t think I ain’t still angry that you can’t count.”
“Doc,” Mal said, startling Simon, “tell me something I don’t know.”
“It’s a self-contained cryogenic storage container,” Simon stammered. “The technology is centuries old- all the way back to Earth that was- but these new ones…” He trailed off, examing the tube, wrapped up in professional curiosity. “It’s like the box River was in when we came here.”
“So, whose ever in there is gonna come out crazy?” Jayne teased. River stuck her tongue out at him.
“It’s means the patient can be easily revived,” Simon continued, ignoring him. “Of course, it might not be a person at all. Containers like this are used for lots of things- rare medicines, expensive animals, plants- it could be anything that won’t keep.” He sighed. “But, odds are, it’s a perfect stranger, who’s going to be very upset when the tube opens, and probably try to kill us all.”
But Mal had already kicked the release button.
“Make that two perfect strangers,” he said, tilting his head.
“You know, I was going to go get some blankets, because if you’ll remember, this happened last time,” Simon said, but no one was listening. Jayne pushed around him, leering down into the tube.
“Zoe, you got any old things might be suitable for our,” Mal stopped looking for a word, “guests?”
By the time Zoe returned, faded dress and worn out coveralls in hand, the unfrozen pair had almost finished wretching and shaking on the floor. Simon took the dress from Zoe, offering it carefully to the woman. “Side effect,” he explained. The woman snatched the dress from him, donning it hurriedly.
“Ni hao,” Kaylee said with a little wave to the man, who was trying to work out the coveralls. He stared at her. Finally he sighed, swearing under his breath.
“Do you speak Chinese?” Spike asked Faye.
“Go back to the beginning,” Jayne demanded.
“I’m from Earth,” Faye said slowly, drawing out the word, as if Jayne were a four year old.
“Thought you said they weren’t gonna come out crazy.”
“It’s a big moon, orbits Greenleaf,” Zoe told him.
“No, it’s not,” Faye sighed. “What the hell is Greenleaf?”
“Well, there ain’t another Earth,” Jayne told her. “Less you mean Earth-That-Was, and you’re crazier than you look.”
“The Earth- Earth-That-Was, or whatever- is uninhabitable, right?”
“Same Earth. Nobody lives there since the Gate accident, unless they’re crazy.”
“You’re the history expert.”
“Technically, she’s right. The simple version is that Earth-That-Was got used up, then people used up the rest of the Sol System, then they moved on. But that’s not quite complete.”
“How come I ain’t never heard of this?” Jayne asked skeptically. “Is this what they teach you in school?”
“You probably haven’t heard of it because whores don’t usually talk much.”
“Shut up and talk.”
“There was some big accident right before the Diaspora. They say Earth’s moon blew up, and that was the catalyst. But most of the records were lost when the Gate Corporation- gates had something to do with space travel, I don’t understand it very well- went down. I thought it was just a myth, myself.”
“But could they really be from Earth-That-Was?” Wash asked. “This all has the distinctive ring of crazy talk.”
“I guess it’s theoretically possible, assuming one had almost limitless resources. It would require thawing at least every few decades, probably a full organ transplant once a century. But the cost would be so overwhelming-”
“More than that.”
“There are tests I can run, if I can get a valid Alliance DNA database ID - I can’t prove it, but I can disprove it.”
“If it won’t get us caught, do it.”
“I think it’s romantic,” Kaylee said dreamily.
Simon rounded on her. “Romantic? It’s lunacy! Who in their right mind would want to stay half-dead in a box for ten- a hundred years- just for the possibility of maybe, one day, assuming everything went exactly perfectly and the money never ran out, spending just a few years with someone who might have cared about them once?” He paused. “I just made a complete ass of myself, didn’t I?”
“Good job there, Doc,” Jayne said, watching Kaylee’s fleeing back. “All your fancy Alliance schooling really made you into a right smart man.” He got up from the table.
“How bad was it?” Simon asked Zoe.
“It was pretty damn bad.”
“I was gonna say I’d freeze myself till I cracked for a bit of tasty like that Faye, but since you already cornered the market on stupid, guess I’ll go tend to Kaylee,” Jayne remarked, getting up from the table.
“Say, you know,” Faye said, examining the door lock, “we’re the only two bounty hunters left.”
“That would be the sweet life,” Spike said, resting his head on his hand. “If there was still an ISSP to issue bounties.”
“I was finally dead. I was finally free.”
Faye hit him hard in the back of the head. “Wake up! That was literally centuries ago! Don’t give me that sappy bullshit about you and Julia. It’s over. She’s dead. They’re all dead. You’ve practically been reborn.” By this point, she was choking back tears. “I’m not going to lose you like that again.”
Spike stood up, looking down at her. “Faye, did you set this up?”
The Cortex terminal behind them flickered to life. “Not Faye-Faye, Spi-Spi! Ed did!”
“Ed found out the Red Dragons had Spi-Spi frozen, until they could find a cure for big sword cuts, yep yep!” Spike opened the coveralls, revealing a long, almost imperceptible white scar. “Then Faye-Faye got frozen by some people she owed a lot of money to.” Faye laughed nervously. “So Edward brought them together!”
“Why?” Spike asked.
“Because Ed knows a secret, yes she does! She knows that Spi-Spi and Faye-Faye-”
“Shouldn’t you be dead by now?” Faye asked, cutting her off.
”Oh, Edward is dead. But hackers never die! They made Edward into a program, and they sprinkled her all over! She even spent twenty years in a box once on a little disk, but that was no fun. Now a nice man named Mister Universe lets her run, because you can’t stop the signal,” she said in a sing-song voice. “But now, Ed has for you Cortex IDs and money!”
“How?” Spike asked.
“Money is just numbers, and Ed is just numbers! And when you get to Persephone, a real job for the nice captain for playing Ed’s game!”
“This is too weird,” Faye sighed.
“No, it’s just Ed.”
“Ed has to go now. Take care of each other, or Ed will find out!”
The screen blinked out right as the door opened.
“What the hell is wrong with my navigation system?!” Wash bellowed. “It’s got this damned smiley face that won’t go away, and it’s changing our course!”
“Are they still in there?” Mal asked River.
River shook her head. “Not two, three.”
“Jayne?” Mal said, pulling out his pistol.
“I’m on it.”
They ran back to the [?]. With Jayne covering him, Mal threw the door open.
“We have a job for you,” Spike told him, the screen going dark behind him. “We think. Somewhere called Persephone.”
“Did you just commandeer my ship?”
“You better have a damn good explanation for this.”
Spike sighed. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
And I don't remember how it ended. I'm 99% sure that they ran the job and then Faye and Spike rode off into the sunset, and prob Jayne and Kaylee hooked up, because that was the pairing of my heart at the time. And that's all she wrote!
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